Whoring out to the Mafia
by Midnight Dahlias
Summary: "I think you'd better keep her. You don't want to turn down a present from the boss." Matt gets a special present from his Mafia boss, an overeager blonde model named "Misa." Who knows what will happen?
1. Chapter 1

**Dude man dude, I don't own Death Note. **

**Quick note: I wrote this an extremely long time ago, before Death Note was even finished in Japan. I knew only bits and pieces from my super twin Tina (MUCH LOVE, TINA-TINA! SUPERTWINS!) who told me about the characters, then did a Misa impression so excellent, it inspired this nonsense. I don't know if I'm going to finish it, but let's see what you think!**

Matt maneuvered his car down a busy street. He carelessly shot through an intersection, ignoring the cars honking insanely at him. With a spin of the wheel and a bit of brake stomping, he slid perfectly into a parallel parking space, leaving a train of burnt rubber.

Mello walked out of the building, arching an eyebrow at the trail of destruction. "Next time, try to cause less than five accidents on the way here." Matt chuckled darkly as he got out of his car. He patted the hood affectionately.

"Not her fault she's a showstopper."

Mello snorted. "Come inside, you idiot. The boss has something for you."

"Something for me?" Interest piqued in Matt's voice as he followed Mello into the imposing building. Matt couldn't help thinking about what the Mafia bosses had for him. A new car? No, the bosses knew Matt could never abandon his beautiful baby. A gold watch? Hell no, Matt was a modern man, he used his cell phone. Gun, maybe? He didn't think so. His gun was good, and a decorative one would be of no use to him. What else would a boss give to one of his best hit men? Mello opened the door.

_Oh my God. No way._

The boss was sitting at his dark gray desk in a dark gray suit, his dark graying hair slicked back in typical Mafia style. Next to his desk was a girl, all pink and black, with bright blonde hair. Two tiny ponytails accented her cheerful little face, which was covered in makeup.

"Matt, my boy," the boss said genially. "Have a seat." Matt looked incredulously at Mello. Mello twiddled his eyebrows suggestively, winked, and left, closing the door behind him. Matt slowly sat down, his eyes flicking back and forth between the girl and his boss. "Now, you've been on the Kira situation for quite some time now, yes?"

"Um, three months." The girl grinned. Matt felt his face heat up a bit.

"Excellent." The Mafia boss smiled around the stogie he was munching on. "I think you deserve a break, yes?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Of course! I know you don't have a girlfriend Matt," he shook a finger at a red and sputtering Matt. "So I got you one!"

"You-you-"

"Hi!" The blonde girl cocked her head to the side. "I'm Misa-Misa!"

"Misa-Misa?" Matt was thoroughly weirded out.

"Or just Misa."

The boss grinned widely. "She's great, eh? She's a model in Japan!" The boss got up, slapping Matt on the shoulder so hard he nearly choked. "Have fun with her!"

"Boss-"

"ALRIGHT," he interrupted, still with that fixed grin. "You two run along. Have fun!" The boss forcibly shoved Matt out, Misa obediently following behind. The boss winked. "She likes nice cars," he whispered. "Bye bye!" The door was firmly shut in Matt's astonished face. Mello was cracking up.

"MELLO," Matt got in Mello's face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because," Mello wiped his eyes. "Your suffering is my comedy!"

"And your broken face is about to be my sweet revenge." Mello stopped laughing and pouted. Matt looked over to Misa. Misa grinned brightly. He turned back around with a sickened expression. "Mello, what am I supposed to do with her?"

Mello shrugged. "Screw her, I think. She came to us, honestly. She said….what did you say, Misa?"

Misa threw her arms up in the air and shouted, "I want to whore myself out to the Mafia!"

"Yeah, that." Matt's eye twitched.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Have your wicked way with me! Yay!"

"You do realize this is totally repulsive, Mello, right?" Matt gestured to the bouncing girl.

"I like it any way, from any angle!"

"I mean," The boys stared at Misa, who was dancing wildly. "Look at that."

"GENTLEMEN, I AM READY TO BE F-" Matt slapped a hand hastily over Misa's mouth.

"Will you shut it?" he hissed.

"Look, the boss wants you to have her, so I think you should keep her."

"For how long?"

"Two weeks." Matt's eyes goggled out of his head. "Just put up with her. You really don't want to reject a present from the boss." With a sigh, Matt dropped his hand from her mouth.

She instantly said, "Misa-Misa is going to screw you!" Matt slouched off, Mello shouting.

"Don't kill her! We have to pay her agent two million if she dies!"

"OOOOOOH!" Misa exclaimed, jumping up and down. She pointed at Matt's car. "Is that your car?"

"Yes," Matt grunted.

"I LOVE IT!" Misa raced over and tackled the car, causing her skirt to fly up and expose her pink underwear. The entire street was staring.

"You moron! Get in the car!" Matt quickly ducked into the car, his face as red as his hair. Misa crawled in, seemingly oblivious to the traffic jam she had caused. Matt revved the engine, slid down his yellow sunglasses, and shot like a bullet into traffic.

"Woooooow, you drive fast!" Misa giggled. "What's your name?"

"Matt."

"Matt." She whipped off her jacket. "Let's have sex!"

**More to come. Review plz!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Look, I'm flattered, but I didn't make, nor do I own Death Note. Get the picture?**

**Hehehe I love this chapter! Makes me laugh every time!**

"Matt." She whipped off her jacket. "Let's have sex!"

"WHAT? I'm driving!"

"So? There's still stuff we can do!" Misa leaned over into Matt's lap and yanked down the zipper.

"WHAT THE-? WOMAN! AWAY FROM THE MANLY PARTS!"

"Never heard that one before. You're clever!" She smiled and undid the button.

"I MEAN IT! KEEP THE BOYS INSIDE!"

She pouted. "But that's no fun!"

"THEY ARE NICE AND TOASTY WHERE THEY ARE!"

"But this one wants to come out," Misa poked his boxers.

"ARG!" Matt convulsed a bit, causing the car to accelerate. "DON'T GO THERE, JUST DON'T EVEN GO THERE!"

"Whhhhyyyyy?" Misa whined.

"BECAUSE!"

"That's not a reason." With that, she dipped her head out of Matt's view.

"HOLY-" The car swerved wildly. "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus CHRIST!"

"What, you don't like?"

"SHUT UP!" Misa laughed and went down once again.

"Oh God, oh God, oh my holy God," Matt's nails were digging into the steering wheel, eyes wide, breathing harsh. "Don't-don't-don't-ah-" He couldn't even speak coherently. "OH GOD DAMN!" Matt hit the brakes, causing the car to burn out several feet. He was gasping for breath by the time they stopped. Misa came up, wiping her mouth with a triumphant grin.

"You like?"

"NO."

Misa giggled, clapping her hands. "I knew you'd like it!"

"You are a crazy bitch!" Misa just smiled and zipped him back up. "We could have died!"

"You don't care!" Misa was full-on laughing at him. "You like risk!"

"Shut up." The light turned green and Matt accelerated off.

Matt jumped when his cell phone went off. He flipped it open. "Yeah. Matt."

"HEY!" Matt held the phone away from his ear. "How's it goin'? Got laid yet?" It was the boss.

"No, sir. But she's an attention-grabber."

"No kidding, son. Now be sure to enjoy Misa's talents, alright?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good man." He hung up. Matt closed the phone and sighed. Misa was bouncing up and down, munching on Skittles she pulled out of somewhere. The phone rang again.

"Speak words."

"Matt? It's Mello."

"What do you want?"

"Did you do it?"

"No."

"Oh. Bye." Matt closed the phone. And it rang.

"Talk."

"Did she go down on you?"

"Shut up and quit wasting my minutes." Closed phone. Ring.

"What?"

"She did go down on you, didn't she?"

"You are an asshole." Matt shut the phone firmly and growled.

The phone rang.

"MELLO, IF YOU DON'T STOP CALLING ME ABOUT IF I FUCKED MISA, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR BALLS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR-"

"It's Near."

"Oh. Ooooh," Matt groaned. "Don't tell the headmaster I swore at you. They'll never let me visit again."

"I don't particularly care, Matt." There was a silence on the line.

"So, did you want something Near, or are you just wasting my time again? Like you always do."

"I heard you are going to meet L."

"So?"

"I want to meet L."

"How am I supposed to make that happen?"

"Take me to him."

"Near, you are a selfish brat."

"No. You just refuse to take me."

"Near, you will close your mouth. I will hang up. You will not call me back. I will consider it."

"Deal." Matt clicked his phone closed and threw it in the back seat.

"Psh. So called friends." Matt caught a weird look from Misa. "What?"

"Who are you meeting?"

"A detective named L."

"L?"

"Yeah, why?"

Misa hopped up and grabbed Matt's arm, scattering Skittles everywhere.

"Hey!"

"Misa-Misa wants to meet L!"

"What? No!"

"WHHHYYYYYY?" Misa yanked on Matt's arm, causing the car to swing wildly all over the road.

"Hey, hey! Whoa! Let go!"

"Noooo!" Misa whined insistently. "I want to meet L!"

"ALRIGHT, you can come with! Just stop pulling my arm!"

"Yay!" Misa let go of his arm, and Matt corrected the car on the road.

"You are insane." Matt shook his head, grumbling.

Matt pulled up at his apartment. Misa turned to get out of the car, but Matt grabbed her arm. She turned back to look questioningly at him. "Something wrong?"

"I have rules in my house," Matt growled. "Rule one, don't answer the door. Rule two, ask before you eat something. Rule three, you will sleep on the couch. Rule four, you DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES wake me up in a sexual way. Rule five, no dancing about naked, or anything like that. Rule six, I own the flat, so I make the rules and can change them when I want to. Got it?" Misa nodded vigorously. "Alright. We can take care of the rogue Skittles later. Come on." Matt snatched his phone from the back seat. No sooner had he gotten out of the car, the phone rang. He checked the caller I.D. this time.

"Good afternoon, Detective.

"Good afternoon, Agent Matt."

"Can I help you?"

"I'd like you to come in late tonight. Can you manage that?"

Matt looked at Misa, who was staring at him with wide curious eyes. "Any possibility of bringing guests? I've somehow become a babysitter."

"Who?"

"Near, a big fan of yours. And a chick named Misa."

"Misa? Like Misa-Misa from Japan?"

"Oh, you know her?"

"She's very pretty."

"So can I bring them?"

"What is this Near like?"

"Very intelligent and intuitive. But no gift with people."

"…Bring them both."

"Yes sir. What time?"

"Hmmm…..eleven fifty nine."

"…..A minute before midnight."

"Yes, I've always liked that time. Don't be late. Or early."

"Will do, sir. See you then." Matt closed the phone and arched an eyebrow at Misa. "We are seeing L tonight."

"Yay!"

**There you go, my little perverts. The Grand Hentai has delivered. Still more to go before the original story runs out. Hehe.**


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